This is a conversation I had — transcribed almost exactly as it happened. I changed nothing important. I kept it because I couldn't stop thinking about his answer.
Before you read His answer is three words. You'll know them when you get there. But to get there, you have to start here.
What makes someone unworthy of love?
She Said
In general, what makes a person either lovable or not worthy of love?
He Said
Good question. I can share my opinion — it is not the absolute truth though, just so you know.
She Said
Of course. And often, I disagree. So, what do you think?
He Said
To begin with, it is the face value. The facade. The superficial. Pretty much how infatuations happen. Online dating is a good example — people get attracted to a photograph.
With time though, it is the little gestures, the thoughts, and the ideas that you start liking. A few innocent, unpretentious expressions start to appeal to you — things you don't even share with the person, but silently observe.
With time though, it is the little gestures, the thoughts, and the ideas that you start liking. A few innocent, unpretentious expressions start to appeal to you — things you don't even share with the person, but silently observe.
She Said
Let me phrase this differently. What would make someone unlovable? Not worthy of love?
He Said
I don't think we can draw a line that strong.
However, being unfaithful would count as the biggest reason — that's in the case of pure love, between two individuals. On the other hand, bigotry could be the root of all hatred. Preconceived notions and prejudice — ideally not the fault of the person at the receiving end — can still cause unlikely hatred.
However, being unfaithful would count as the biggest reason — that's in the case of pure love, between two individuals. On the other hand, bigotry could be the root of all hatred. Preconceived notions and prejudice — ideally not the fault of the person at the receiving end — can still cause unlikely hatred.
She Said
So you think that someone who cheated should not be loved, never forgiven?
He Said
That's a complementary question.
She Said
I am asking about what makes someone unlovable — not what causes hatred from others. Those are different.
He Said
Fair. I answered from the perspective of why I would not find someone likeable. Whereas you're asking: what is an inherent trait that makes someone unworthy of love. Have I got it right now?
She Said
Give me your answer and I will see.
He Said
I will begin by saying this: nothing is good or bad — only thinking makes it so.
Having said that, I will be unlovable if I do not conform to the norms of society. Anyone trying to go against them will most likely be considered a rebel. Something which appeals to one may not appeal to the other — hence, what is unlovable for you could be lovable for me.
Having said that, I will be unlovable if I do not conform to the norms of society. Anyone trying to go against them will most likely be considered a rebel. Something which appeals to one may not appeal to the other — hence, what is unlovable for you could be lovable for me.
She Said
Why would not conforming make you unlovable? Don't rebels have people who love them?
He Said
Yes, they do. That is exactly what I said. It all depends on our thought process. What may be unlovable for you could be lovable for someone else entirely.
She Said
So intolerance and unfaithfulness are your particular cut-off points. Is that it?
He Said
Let's take an example. A man kills another man in a fit of rage.
The close ones of the dead will find the killer unlovable — a heinous act. However, the close ones of the killer will still fight for his innocence. I can have a prejudice that he is guilty, and I will find him unlovable immediately. But that may not be the fact. Intolerance of others' opinions does that.
The close ones of the dead will find the killer unlovable — a heinous act. However, the close ones of the killer will still fight for his innocence. I can have a prejudice that he is guilty, and I will find him unlovable immediately. But that may not be the fact. Intolerance of others' opinions does that.
She Said
So the killer is not inherently unlovable?
He Said
Not really.
She Said
And what makes you think someone is unworthy of love?
He Said
I don't find people unlovable — and I am not exaggerating. I may get upset, but then I start thinking from their perspective and forget about being upset. My initial reactions are based on all the things I mentioned: prejudices, intolerances... but they're reactions, not verdicts.
She Said
You think everyone on earth is worthy of love?
He Said
Yes, ma'am.
She Said
Why?
He Said
Their very existence.
She Said
So just existence makes you lovable. Why? Why does your existing not make you an inherent nuisance?
He Said
Even if your inherent existence is supposed to be a nuisance, that nuisance has been put into place for a certain specific reason. Unless you know for a fact that its existence is totally absurd and worthless — you never know what role it has to play.
That nuisance could affect millions, but connect with one. That one negates the idea that it could be thoroughly unlovable.
That nuisance could affect millions, but connect with one. That one negates the idea that it could be thoroughly unlovable.
She Said
Can you make a case why everyone is inherently lovable?
He Said
Because I have a part to play in the lifetime of at least one living being — who would ignore all my follies and find me worthy to be loved. It could be my plants, which I water every day. Even though I am doing it out of sheer selfish interest — seeing a life form grow in front of me makes me happy.
She Said
You can be useful, yet not loveable. What if you have no plant and no lover? What if you play no part?
He Said
That's what I am thinking about. Can one be useful, yet not loveable?
He's about to make his case.
You're stranded on an island for months. What do you choose?
You're stranded on an island for months. What do you choose?
She Said
Apart from usefulness, is there anything that makes us all loveable?
He Said
Life. The beauty of the fact that there is growth.
She Said
Being alive makes me loveable? Why?
He Said
Answer this: given a choice between a bench and a living being — with whom you had to spend a long time, say a lifetime — what would you choose?
She Said
It depends on the being. Someone boring, narrow-minded — I don't want to spend a lot of time with them. But they are still loveable?
He Said
With living things, there is a constant change — which you can witness. A bench will simply lie there, and rot.
She Said
But that does not mean you love that person regardless of who it is.
He Said
Loveable. You asked what makes one lovable. I don't have to love that person. But they command the likability — just because they are living beings.
She Said
They feel, so they are loveable?
He has one word left. So do you — from the start of this conversation.
They Feel. Therefore.
His answer. In three words.
You said
—
He said
Their very existence.
See it differently?
The comments are open. This conversation doesn't have to end here.
Leave your view ›If you are reading this — thank you for taking your time out. This is an excerpt from a conversation I thought was worth sharing.
The conversation does not have to stop here. I hope this is the starting point of many such conversations — with you, and with everyone who writes back.
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